So, you’ve got a new crush. Butterflies are fluttering, text messages are exciting again, and the connection feels intense. Maybe even fated. But before you let yourself spiral into the fantasy of it all, let’s pause for a second and ground in some real talk because not all butterflies are a good sign. Sometimes, they’re your nervous system warning you that danger is dressed in charm.
Here are 5 red flags that your new flame might actually be a narcissist in disguise:
1. They Negotiate Your Boundaries Into Nonexistence
A narcissist won’t respect your no. They’ll charm it, guilt it, or logic it into a yes. It’s not always aggressive. It might sound like “But I thought we had a connection,” or “That boundary seems kind of rigid, don’t you think?” or they can even slide into your life as your friend, grooming you to become a lover. Maybe a ‘no commitment’ friends with benefits scenario. Before you know it, the clear lines you set are blurry and you’re abandoning yourself to keep the peace. If someone keeps talking you out of your own limits, they’re not safe. RUN and no not look back!
2. Everything Feels Like a Movie – Fast. Too Fast.
You know that whirlwind, soul-mate energy that feels like you’ve known them forever? Be careful. Narcissists are masters of the love-bomb. They’ll study your dreams, mirror them back, and make you feel like you’ve finally been seen. But what you’re actually seeing is a performance. If it’s moving too fast or feels too perfect, that’s your cue to slow down and observe.
3. Their “Exes” Are All Crazy
Pay close attention when someone tells you everyone from their past was the problem. Narcissists rarely take accountability and they need a villain to stay the hero. If their exes were all unstable, abusive, jealous, or “toxic,” guess what role you’re about to be cast in? Spoiler: it’s not the heroine. It’s the scapegoat. Watch their narrative closely.
4. They Weaponize Religion or Spirituality
This one is subtle and insidious. A covert narcissist might present themselves as deeply religious or “spiritually aligned,” using scripture, spiritual jargon, or healing language as a mask. They may quote Bible verses or talk about “God’s plan” or “divine union” to justify controlling behavior. Or they use spirituality to make you doubt yourself: “Maybe this is your lesson,” or “I think your energy is off.” They’ll twist sacred language into gaslighting. Run.
5. They’re Never Really Wrong (Even When They Apologize)
Ever get an apology that left you feeling… worse? Like somehow you ended up apologizing, too? That’s classic narcissistic maneuvering. Whether it’s the silent treatment, deflecting blame, or crocodile tears, narcissists are allergic to true accountability. If their version of repair feels like mind games or manipulation, trust your gut.
Here’s the truth: you can’t manifest your dream life while you’re entangled with someone who’s draining your energy and hijacking your nervous system. Your soul knows when something is off, even when your trauma is calling it love.
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Yes, I too ignored the flags, made excuses for him, trusted him despite my doubts. Absolutely impacted by his lack of accountability, lies, financial and emotional abuse at the discard. I’m now working towards being a life coach but still bruised.
I’m proud of you! YOU SURVIVED and now you’re working to help others! Here’s a big secret one coach to another? None of us are healed. We’re healing. We’re ALL works in progress, and that’s a wonderful thing! It means we’re always improving!
It’s sad that you seem to imply that narcissists are exclusively males. Many of the signs you enumerated above are present in my wife’s behavior, and it’s only now, after 20 years of marriage that I understood them for what they are after I caught her cheating, and she tried to come up with excuses like “it’s my fault”, “I never meant to hurt you”, “It didn’t mean anything”, and so many others. Unfortunately for me, I had nowhere to go, I have no money because she manages all household finances, and most importantly, I have to think of my children who will be without a father if I walk away.
My content really is geared towards women (as a woman, it’s what I understand – it’s not that I exclude men from my observations, but again, my own experience as a woman is what I can rely on). 100% absolutely these behaviors are not gender specific. Your story sounds so similar to so many of the people I coach, and my own story too. It’s astounding to me that we ALL have almost identical experiences, and yet, each one unique. There’s an underlying pathology there.