One of the most insidious things about narcissistic abuse is how it flips the script not just in the eyes of the narcissist, but in the eyes of everyone else, too.
You can spend years walking on eggshells, trying to keep the peace, giving second chances, and staying quiet to “keep things from getting worse.” But when you finally hit your breaking point, when you begin to assert yourself, or -God forbid -react to the abuse… you start to look like the problem.
Suddenly, you are the dramatic one.
You are called the manipulator.
You are labeled toxic.
You are the one people start avoiding.
YOU are the abuser.
This is not a coincidence. It’s a tactic.
The Narcissist’s Master Plan: Projection and Preemptive Strikes
Narcissists often anticipate that their mask will eventually slip. So they plan for it. And the best way to protect their image? Paint you as the unstable one before you even realize what’s happening. This can happen for years behind your back in the form of smear campaigns and other manipulative and deceptive tactics that foster confirmation bias of their claims about you.
They’ll say things like:
- “She’s always so emotional.”
- “He’s crazy when he doesn’t get his way.”
- “They have narcissistic tendencies too, you know.”
They’ll plant seeds of doubt in the minds of friends, family, even therapists. That way, when you inevitably break down under the pressure of prolonged emotional abuse, the people around you will say, “Wow. Maybe they were right about you all along.”
This is the final betrayal: not just enduring abuse, but being cast as the abuser.
Why Victims Start to Look Like Narcissists
After months, years, or even decades of being gaslit, love-bombed, devalued, and discarded in cycles, even the most empathic person can begin to show signs of emotional dysregulation:
- You lash out in desperation.
- You cry uncontrollably.
- You become hypervigilant or controlling to avoid further harm.
- You start mimicking the narcissist’s own behaviors, because your nervous system is in survival mode.
This is known as reactive abuse -when a victim reacts to abuse in a way that looks abusive. And it’s often used against them. There’s nothing more harming than being the victim of emotional abuse, then being told that YOU are the emotionally abusive one. ESPECIALLY if you survived truly abusive relationships before, if you’ve repeated your patterns. It’s an assault on your nervous system that shatters your sense of self, value, and worth. How can you possibly think of yourself as a good person when the person you love is telling you you’re abusive for reacting to their abuse. Being told by your partner that you aren’t entitled to your boundaries, and they don’t have to abide by the rules of the relationship is abuse – Plain and simple. You are not the narcissist for saying “NO MORE”. You are a human being, and you’re entitled to have your voice heard.
What’s often labeled as “reactive abuse” is actually a deeply problematic term. It implies that the victim is somehow equally abusive when in reality, what’s happening is self-defense. When someone has been cornered emotionally, gaslit repeatedly, and stripped of their sense of safety, their nervous system will respond in fight-or-flight mode. That’s not abuse. Iit’s a trauma response. It’s the body’s way of protecting itself from sustained psychological harm. Calling it “reactive abuse” minimizes the context and shifts blame onto the person who’s already been harmed. Instead, let’s call it what it is: survival.
It’s no wonder so many survivors walk away from these relationships asking:
“Am I the narcissist?”
You’re not. You’re wounded. You’ve been psychologically shattered, your boundaries eroded, your identity dismantled. And now you’re left trying to reclaim who you are, while everyone thinks you’re the villain of the story.
The Truth: Narcissists Don’t Heal, But You Can
The narcissist will keep running the same script with the next person. You, on the other hand, are here reading this. Wanting to understand. Wanting to break the cycle. Wanting to heal.
And that’s the difference. You’re not the narcissist.
You’re the one who is finally waking up to the truth, and choosing to change the vibration.
Ready to Take Your Power Back?
If this article made your chest ache with recognition, you’re not alone. You’ve survived a relationship designed to confuse and disempower you.
It’s time to flip the script for real this time.
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Your healing begins the moment you decide you are worthy of it.
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