Have you ever opened your heart, spoken your truth, and told someone you love that you feel disconnected—only to have them respond with something that sounds empathetic, but still leaves you feeling hollow?
Something like:
“I’ll look for ways for you to feel more connected to me.”
At first glance, that sounds kind. Thoughtful even. Like they heard you and want to fix things.
But if you’re dealing with a covert narcissist, that sentence is a trap—one wrapped in false hope and toxic breadcrumbs. Because they don’t actually want mutual connection. They want control.
Let’s break it down.
When a narcissist says, “I’ll look for ways for you to feel more connected to me,” they are:
- Centering themselves even though you were the one expressing hurt and disconnection.
- Avoiding accountability for their role in the emotional disconnection.
- Strategically pacifying you with what sounds like a solution but is really a manipulation tactic designed to delay your exit or confrontation.
- Reframing your need for intimacy as your problem to solve—not a shared relational need.
What they’re really saying is:
“I need to keep you tied to me emotionally, so I’ll pretend I’m working on it—just enough to keep you hoping.”
And that, right there, is covert manipulation in its most dangerous form.
They Don’t Want to Reconnect.
They Want You Reconnected to Them.
There’s a big difference between someone who wants to reconnect with you to repair and deepen your relationship—and someone who simply wants to regain access to your emotions so they can keep using them as leverage.
Narcissists don’t want to join you in mutual emotional safety.
They want you tethered to their emotional ecosystem, on their terms, where they can control the flow of affection, attention, and validation.
They want you emotionally regulated around them, by them, for them.
That’s not love. That’s control masquerading as closeness.
Breadcrumbing: The Narcissist’s Favorite Game
This kind of language—“I’ll look for ways for you to feel more connected to me”—is a textbook example of breadcrumbing.
It’s not a promise. It’s a placeholder. Something that sounds enough like forward movement that you stay put… hoping, waiting, investing.
It gives the illusion of resolution, but keeps you locked in the same emotional cycle.
You won’t get connection.
You’ll get crumbs—followed by more confusion, more gaslighting, and eventually… more distance.
Watch Their Words. They Matter.
In narcissistic dynamics, language is everything.
A narcissist will:
- Use empathy-shaped sentences to manipulate rather than connect.
- Twist your needs into something they can manage or weaponize.
- Make you responsible for fixing a connection they continually sabotage.
When someone truly wants to repair, they say:
“I feel it too. Let’s work on this together.”
Not:
“I’ll find ways for you to feel more connected to me.”
It’s subtle. But when you learn to listen for the narcissist’s use of language, you’ll start hearing the truth underneath all those promises.
And the truth is: they’re not trying to get closer.
They’re trying to keep you close—without offering themselves in return.
If You’re Feeling Disconnected… You Probably Are
Trust that feeling. Disconnection isn’t something you imagined. It’s your nervous system ringing alarm bells.
When you express it to someone, and they offer a response that subtly shifts responsibility or focuses on controlling your perception of the relationship, pay attention.
That’s not intimacy.
That’s emotional management.
That’s manipulation.
That’s survival mode communication—disguised as care.
Final Thought
You deserve connection that is mutual, where both people reach toward one another with openness, accountability, and a desire to grow together.
If the only person doing the reaching is you…
If their words leave you feeling more confused than comforted…
If the only thing getting stronger is their grip on your heart, not the bond between you…
Then it’s not reconnection.
It’s control.
And it’s okay to walk away from that.